I do not expect comfort, neither do i want it....
Sometimes I don't know what i'm thinking and sometimes i don't know what to think. It's scary to have so many thoughts swirling in my brain and yet, at the end of a few hours, realise that i have no idea what i've been doing. Can't classify it as thinking because my mind was a blur. Daydreaming... maybe... but doesn't seem like it. It's like organized chaos.
So many things occurred recently, too many things. I am at a loss, how to react, how to take it, how to justify, how to solve. Am i enjoying myself each time i appear to enjoy myself? If i do, why then do i feel so empty at the end of the day? Does this mean i'm fake? Or just hanging on to adrenalin when i am in fact mentally drained and not realise it until i'm back in the solace of my room. Going out with friends provide temporary comfort. It feels good to laugh, even if the laughter was forced. The mood is all that matters. But recently, everything seems strained.
Isn't it great to lose youself in an imaginary world? A world created by authors, who will work out all the problems by the end of the book. There is a solution to everything, even troubles that would NEVER EVER happen. Books are great, but reality will crash down on you as soon as you close the book.
Maybe i take things too hard. Maybe i am too sensitive. My only excuse is i care. If i do not devote any feelings into any relationships (be it family/friends), i would not feel like i've been stabbed in the heart each time there is a conflict. If you get your wish that i do not react the way i do each time something like this happens, maybe you'll realise that i no longer give a damn. It'll be GREAT for everyone. I find comfort in withholding than sacrificing. When you expect the worst, anything would be welcomed with open arms, anything would be better.
Hell, i wish i didn't care...
