Take a stand... Tit fot Tat  ¶ 10/31/2005 04:11:00 PM

  I repeat.... You are in a state of constant expectation and want interesting and exciting things to happen to you. But in fact, you are a 'Walter Mitty' at times - a dreamer - over-imaginative and often given to fantasy or day-dreaming. There is nothing wrong in 'dreaming' - how boring life would be if one just followed the doctrines of everyday life - but one must not continue leading a life of continuous fantasy. You need to face reality in spite of all its possible shortcomings. You are in need of rest, some peace and quiet. You feel the need to be close to that someone special, that someone who can give you that special consideration and unquestioning affection that you seek. If you don't find that 'special someone' and resolve your problems very soon, you are liable to become extremely introverted and cut yourself off from society. You are not an argumentative sort of person and 'rather than fight - you'd switch' (an old cigarette ad cliche). But when you try to assert yourself - as sometimes you may try to do - you meet with so much resistance and effrontery that manifests itself so obviously that you become hurt, indignant and resentful. So in order to have peace and quiet you tend to become inhibited. You keep it all to yourself but deep down, you 'feel' and 'hurt' a lot. As of late, you have been experiencing untold stress and this is a result of continuous frustration. You haven't been taking care of all your physical needs and it's beginning to show. It would seem that you have a need to find someone to whom you can really relate - someone perhaps whose standards are as high as your own. You want to be different - to be individualistic - to stand out from the common herd. Your inherent control of your sensual instincts is restricting your ability to give yourself to open up freely but this being on your own, being lonely, often makes you feel the need to give up some of your strict standards to surrender to the general flow - to be like everyone else; a part of the herd. Deep down you regard such instincts as weaknesses to be overcome. You would like to be loved or admired for yourself alone. You demand recognition and tender loving care. You are putting on a show - a facade. You are a master of demonstrating considerable charm in the hope that this can or will lead to better things. Deep down you are fearful that this may not work and that you may have to employ other strategies in order to realize all your ambitions.  ¶ 10/31/2005 04:36:00 AM

  Don't look at me with pity in your eyes. I don't need your sympathy. I don't need you to tell me I am not good enough. I don't need you to tell me what is good for me. Frankly, I don't need you. Because, I am good enough. I know I am worth it. If you don't think I am. There's the door. I may care for you. But I don't need you dragging me down. Actions speak louder than words. Telling me you do when you don't isn't of much use. I'm not blind. So, please leave. Leave me alone.  ¶ 10/31/2005 03:47:00 AM

  To be or not to be... I am a pessimist. I am very pessimistic when it comes to my own life. I do not believe in being hopeful or thinking that everything will work out. Disappointment is always accompanied by unhappiness. I have enough of that to last me a lifetime. Mostly self-induced. Isn't it safer to be pessimistic and expect that everything will turn out wrong? Anything and everything that happens subsequently will be good or as expected. No harm there. When you are at the very bottom, the only direction left to go is up. Have I been living too much for everyone else? I am happy when the people around me are happy. So I try to make them happy. However, as bf puts it, you can't make everyone happy. Therefore, not everyone around me will be happy. Which leads to me not being happy. I'll never be happy will I? Okay sounds kind of weird. But you get my point.  ¶ 10/31/2005 01:07:00 AM

  Lucky Four-Leaf Clover... Does it work? Stay tuned... =P  ¶ 10/28/2005 01:20:00 AM

  So true...   ¶ 10/25/2005 06:06:00 PM

  Obsessed... I'm going crazy. Extreme emotions are very tiring. Outside I am calm, collected. Inside I'm hysterical, a mess. Being indifferent, a.k.a. bochup, that's what I need to be. OR is it? Does it pay to not care? Like how a good friend put it, it's a balance. It does indeed reduce all the heartaches and tears. Removes the constant fear of rejection, insecurities and jealousies. But at the same time, it also reduces the amount joy and happiness you will feel. There will always be that distance, that space in between that will never be filled. Is it worth it? The amount of sadness VS. the amount of happiness. Went through both. Still don't have an answer. Is there anything in between?? Just a thought that has always been popping up in my head now and then. Sleep on it.  ¶ 10/25/2005 01:27:00 AM

  It only gets better... Ever felt like you are an outsider looking in through the glass window, wanting desperately to join in and yet unable to? There are some individuals who go to all means to make people feel like this. What they gain from it I have no idea. Perverse satisfaction maybe. Not the first time it happened and it won't stop happening. Repeated occurrences of it and not just to me. Upon reflection, I kind of pity the people who were once these people's targets having felt first-hand what these people can do. Victims would be a better word. Although I do not like anything bad to happen to these people, there are times when I wish they would get a taste of what they are dishing out. Feel the pain that others feel. If you think you are someone like this, I can tell you that THE PAIN IS VERY REAL. Something to celebrate. I really am very happy with my life right now. Nothing they do can make me cry again. I refuse to. I have a loving boyfriend, the most supportive family and friends I can talk to. There's nothing more I would ask for except maybe if seeing less of those mentioned above. I would like to see right through them. To be able to ignore the petty little things they are doing. They no longer affect me like they used to. I smile more, I enjoy my life more. There was once I used to feel like this too, and thinking back, these individuals were not there. They were not the reason why I was happy back then. They are the reason why I was not happy. Ignorance is not bliss. Clarity is. It's like seeing something for the first time all over again. Knowing someone all over again. PS: To ensure that I continue living, only those who have heard me complaining so many times about these PMFH will know who I'm referring to. Don't know ask me. If I don't tell you, you'll know what that means. =P  ¶ 10/24/2005 03:45:00 PM

  Blues... Change. Hate it but can't avoid it. Change is inevitable. I am crazy. I hate changes but once in a while I'll stuff un-needed changes down my own throat. Yes, I am crazy. Why the color scheme? No preference. Fitting to my recent moods. Feeling blue. Monday blues... so true.  ¶ 10/24/2005 02:58:00 AM

  Don't ask... Overwhelmed. That's the only word I can come up with to describe how I felt when I saw them. Them aren't someones, but somethings. The situation I am in makes me do things I am ashamed of but at the same time, I cannot help myself. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I do not like the feeling at all. I do not even like myself at this point of time. I once scoffed at these very actions, but now, I find myself doing them, and not just once. It is not about trust. It is not about insecurities. Neither is it about jealousy. What it is about is FEAR. It is eating me up inside. No one will know how I feel. Saying you understand does not mean that you understand. Telling me you go through the same thing does not make our circumstance any similar. Late nights awake isn't helping. I start imagining things. FEAR is magnified when you are up alone in the middle of the night. "Had Beens" occur over and over again to the extent that it become "Will Bes" in my head. The distinction gets more and more blurred each time. That it happened in the past does not make it any less threatening or unreal. It happened and it will happen again. History always repeats itself. Unfair? I think not. Not when the past still has a strong presence NOW. Tell me I'm over-reaacting. Tell me I'm over-sensitive. I'll tell you that you have no idea how I am feeling. I'll tell you you don't know the half of it and what it means to me. I'll tell you I don't want nor need anyone to talk to. I'll tell you to LEAVE ME ALONE. You won't even remember me. I dislike you. I dislike all of you. Hate. Hate, too mild.  ¶ 10/23/2005 03:14:00 AM