Don't ask...
Overwhelmed.
That's the only word I can come up with to describe how I felt when I saw them. Them aren't someones, but somethings. The situation I am in makes me do things I am ashamed of but at the same time, I cannot help myself. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I do not like the feeling at all. I do not even like myself at this point of time. I once scoffed at these very actions, but now, I find myself doing them, and not just once.
It is not about trust. It is not about insecurities. Neither is it about jealousy. What it is about is FEAR. It is eating me up inside. No one will know how I feel. Saying you understand does not mean that you understand. Telling me you go through the same thing does not make our circumstance any similar.
Late nights awake isn't helping. I start imagining things. FEAR is magnified when you are up alone in the middle of the night. "Had Beens" occur over and over again to the extent that it become "Will Bes" in my head. The distinction gets more and more blurred each time. That it happened in the past does not make it any less threatening or unreal. It happened and it will happen again. History always repeats itself. Unfair? I think not. Not when the past still has a strong presence NOW.
Tell me I'm over-reaacting. Tell me I'm over-sensitive. I'll tell you that you have no idea how I am feeling. I'll tell you you don't know the half of it and what it means to me. I'll tell you I don't want nor need anyone to talk to. I'll tell you to LEAVE ME ALONE.
You won't even remember me. I dislike you. I dislike all of you.
Hate. Hate, too mild.
